14 Days of Reflection: Episode 9 – Brace Yourself For This Advice

IMG_4447On the left wrist, you wear a watch. 

What goes on the other wrist?

One the one hand (so to speak), there is something to be said for the obvious answer: nothing.

If you’re sporting a styley, conversation piece like one of these watches, you really don’t need any more conversations.

On the other hand, in certain circumstances, a couple of funky bracelets do add value to the outfit, and a vacation at the beach is one of them.

The idea is not to deck yourself out from head to toe in surf-bruh gear. You don’t need a coral necklace, a pair of raybans, board-shorts, AND gnarly hair. Or, actually, any of these.

Instead, a couple of beaded bracelets will compliment a dapper outfit and add a few grains of beachiness without doing free marketing for Bodyglove or making you look like Spicoli.

These two bracelets are from eBay; they cost under 10 dollars for the pair, are made from lava and wood, and go well with a kakhi blazer (pictured) and a bright pair of chinos (for the full outfit, click here). You might also try Etsy for handmade bargains.


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Too many Transformers.

One thing I have discovered this summer, so far, is the power of “just a little bit.” Gabi and I spent 4 days in San Diego, and it was as relaxing as two weeks.

I am someone who is susceptible to saturation. I find things I like and I have a tendency to go overboard. I’ve been like that since I was a child. My friend would have a small shoebox of Transformers and I’d have them on every shelf, overflowing my closet. The mindset I’d like to cultivate is being easily satisfied with a little bit of something.

This reminds me about the power nap that turns the whole day around. The walk in a city park that leaves me rejuvenated. 10 minutes of meditation. A few songs listened to, attentively, on headphones. A quick catch up with someone I love on the phone. The handful of almonds that satisfies hunger as deeply as a three-course meal (although I suggest you avoid being present when I get my hands on a bag of Funyuns; it is not a pretty sight).

As my summer kicks off, I will strive to enjoy all the great things coming my way: Budapest. Israel. An engagement party in Milwaukee. I have some fantastic plans. But even amidst the excitement, I will try to remember the simple wooden beads and the meaning of “just a little bit.”

And if life gives me more, great. I’ll just have to brace myself.


For a deeper dive into the world of men’s accessories, click here.

14 Days of Reflection: Weekend Look #3 – The First Day of Vacation

IMG_4440For many people, and understandably so, the second that vacation begins, the care to construct a styley look ends. And truly, I will never fault anyone for taking off the work clothes and slipping on the t-shirt, shorts and flips-flops.

On the other hand, as long as you gotta wear something (assuming you’re vacationing with family in, say, San Diego, and not at “Sea Mountain Nude Hotsprings”) why not wear something well put together?

The trick is this: if you know that you won’t have the headspace to pick out a bunch of vacation outfits as you rush to cram your suitcases, pick them out in advance. Way in advance. In other words, identify a couple of pairs of pants, a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and yes, a classy layer-piece: a sweater or an unconstrcuted blazer or both.

Then, when your plane takes off in three hours and you still haven’t filled your suitcase, you need not panic: you know what you’re packing.


As Gabi and I approach our first week as (and with) future-family, I’m struck by two competing forces at work. First, there is, well, the familiar. Gabi’s family is very tightly knit and meals with them are full of laughter, good-natured ribbing, and decades’ worth of stories. They seem to appreciate and understand my humor, although folks are divided on whether my puns are brilliant or groan-worthy.

IMG_4437On the other hand, there is the unfamiliar. Deeply unfamiliar. People who are dear to me, and have been for years, take on roles of new significance. Future father-in-law. Future mother-in-law. Future brother-in-law. I have never really known these roles in my life, and I’m acutely aware of this, the way a new article of clothing feels very there.

It seems appropriate, in these circumstances, to wear something fitting this odd and beautiful confluence of well-known and never known. Here, on this San Diego beach, what could do that better than comfy sneakers, a soft sweater, my old hat – and a red flower in my lapel?

14 Days of Reflection: Episode 7 – Back to Life, Back to Reality

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An interpretive self-portrait. “Blue Marble” photo courtesy of NASA, 1972.

I returned to work from a surreal, blissful weekend with a cold.

My nose burns, my bones ache.

Truth is, there’s something grounding or reassuring about the reality: mucous and all. In between the hugs and back-slapping, the retelling of the play-by-play, the flicking through photos, in between was DayQuil. Sneezing. My coworkers. Meetings. Phone calls and emails that had nothing to do with getting engaged, the meaning of existence, or love.

And this is good! This means that what happened last weekend wasn’t a dream (some day, incidentally, I’ll tell you about my dream, the first night of Gabi and my getaway, wherein a family of four including two adolescents moved into the vacation house). The weekend was a gift, a time to be removed from the troubles of the world and float in a temporary paradise.

Today was the second part of the gift: the realization that you get to keep it.


kittooseSome clothing is for the fantasy. Part of what I enjoy about my favorite designers is the fantasy they play with (and often undermine). And certain occasions invite us (or allow us, anyhow) to play with fantasy.

Red, white and grey seersucker? Pants and matching jacket? Yes!

On the other hand, when the party’s over, it’s time for a plain, white T.

It’s good to come home.


Blogging Back and Forth Forever: Getting Engaged, and 14 Days of Reflection

 For those in the know, “Blogging back and forth forever” ))<>(( can be a our little inside joke, a little indie-film triviata.

For those not in the know, just take my word for it; It’s weird and sweet and evocative and sort of grody and, well, forever.

Sort of like life.


Yesterday, Gabi and I got engaged. She looked beautiful. I was wearing a fantastic suit. There was a lot of crying and laughing and a guest appearance by local San Francisco celebrity weather pattern, Karl The Fog. 

This engagement was a long time coming. Gabi and I built our bridge towards each other step by step, over a span (no pun intended) of three years. When it was time to take the plunge (eek, definitely no pun intended) it was with eyes wide open — taking in the dazzling sun on the San Francisco Bay (metaphorical for life’s various gifts and treasures) as well as the mirk, the clouds, the unknown. We planned it together, down to the exact day, the exact time of day, but for Gabi, the details were unknown. Sometimes, you need to keep some mystery – to recreate, in my opinion, the true Mystery that we are all faced with: our Existence. Part of it are revealed, from time to time, like the majestic Marin tower of the Golden Gate bridge.

It emerged, as we drove across the bay, as if to guide us on our paths towards eternity.

 Today I am 41. Dear readers, you may have figured out (“Surprise!”) that this project, “14 days of reflection,” was intended to crescendo with my innocent little question to her, but with that now residing nearby as a memory, it’s time for me to celebrate my birthday. Gabi has given me many gifts over the past three years, and while the greatest one, by far, is the gift of our life together, today, we laughed about the way that she guided my path as I crafted my on-line persona (more on the deep power of the persona, here). My fashion style was in place, already, but my communication style is very much a joint project, and I suspect it will be a project that will involve a lot of creativity and a lot of time.

May this be a year of thriving.

May this be a year of growing close together.

And may this be a lifetime of exploration for my fiancee and I, both in person, but also online.

May we blog back and forth forever.

Turning 41 and the Aftermath: 14 Days of Reflection – Episode 6: Holy Shnikeys, I Climbed a Mountain

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28 and (mostly) fearless.

When I was 28, a friend told me about her solo trip across Africa. Seeing me blanch, she remarked, “Being alone in a strange place scares you? Maybe you need to spend 3 days alone in the desert.”

That was the exact opposite of something I’d wanted to do. Imagining the sun setting over a rocky desert sandscape, the evening winds, the cry of desert-foxes in the distance, and only me, all alone – that terrified me.

And less than a year later, that’s exactly where I found myself.

Once I was there, my backpack loaded with apricots and halva and countless water bottles, I was no longer afraid.


On day two, I climbed a mountain.

I didn’t know it was a mountain until I climbed down. The ascent had been arduous, hot, interminable, but I didn’t know what I was climbing until the other side revealed it to me in its desert splendor.

A mountain.


archiveRecently, I discovered a new feature: the blog archive. It’s a line of code you can install in your blog to create a list that readers can click and browse.

I did, and I clicked, and guess what I saw?

Blog posts. Lots and lots and lots. Way more than I could have imagined.

Some low points: the death of my uncle. High points: a Style Up that close to a thousand people read in a single day. And plenty of normal, day-to-day stuff: when to roll up blazer sleeves.

Without realizing it, I had climbed a mountain, word by word, month by month.


Tomorrow, Gabi and I depart for a weekend together. Towards the end of the weekend, I’m turning 41. And looking back over the three years we’ve been together, and the years I lived before knowing her, it’s a mountain of sorts. I’m proud of how far we’ve come together. And I’m proud of how high I’ve climbed, solo.

And sometimes, it takes looking back to see how high you’ve climbed.

Turning 41 and the Aftermath: 14 Days of Reflection — Episode 5. How do you know when the suit fits?

deansuitMy colleague, Dean, is a dapper dresser.

He’s pretty much a sage in any topic of conversation: how to handle criticism, how to shake off a bad day, how to turn 60 without losing your marbles.

So when Dean asked what I thought of his new, made-to-order suit, well, I was honored.

This lead to a whole conversation about fit; how do you know when you’ve achieved a perfect fit?


Humbly, I offer my thoughts.

1. When it fits, you know.

We spend a lot of time in life toiling over choices. Most of my best decisions in life were not so much something I “decided” as “came to recognize.”

In a shop, looking in the mirror, with a proper-fitting shirt, a great color or pattern, some styley, new kicks, you’ll say: whoa. There it is.

And guess what? That’s it.

coffeeshop2. You get compliments – on the right thing and on the wrong things, too.

Don’t embark on any endeavor with compliments in mind.

On the other hand, when you’re really nailing it, people can’t help themselves. You’ll get compliments on what you’re wearing, sure, but also, people will compliment your new haircut which you got five weeks ago, your new glasses which you’ve had for a year.

What people are picking up on is not your clothes. Rather, they can feel your confidence.

3. Your well-fitting-whatever will live on top of your pile (or at the front of the closet) because you can’t get enough.

Choose your outfits like you should choose your relationships. What sort of shirt/relationship do you want to be with? Something that pushes you out of your comfort zone but leaves you craving the “real you?” Something that is steady and constant – but a but predictable. Maybe even boring?

stripes2How about something that you’re just excited to put on. And when you say goodbye, it’s for a short while, only?

That’s a good fit.

4. It brings you joy.

To be honest, I’m a pretty spiritual guy, and I connect very much to religion, ritual, and all the spiritual stuff in the old books with the yellow pages. 

That said, I know that real joy comes from simple things. Good food. Beer. Music. Hiking. Art. And spending time with someone you love.

If you find a great outfit, it might bring you some joy. Don’t deny it. Embrace it.

It’s a tiny taste of the larger joys that life has to offer, but hey – life is tough. Snatch your joy wherever and however you can.

smoo5. It connects you to others

My friend Luke, who has a Ph.D. and a way with words, once described his feelings about moving away from the community he’d grown close to for several years, and did this by referring to his basketball shoes: “These shoes fit so well, I don’t even feel them. In fact, it’s hard to tell where my foot ends and the world begins. That’s how I feel about you all.”

Yes, indeed. Well fitting clothes, like a well-fitting community, like a great relationship, help you feel united with yourself and connected to the world.

14 Days of Reflection: Episode 4 – What Goes Around Comes Around, One Level Higher

meandhavnehSitting in my desk chair, a voice called my name and I turned and froze: a former student had showed up for our run. A run I’d completely forgotten about.  He was dressed in tank-top, shorts and running shoes.

Ten minutes later, I was wearing an outfit cobbled together from the lost-and-found: a sweatshirt two sizes too small, running shorts, and a baseball cap with the school’s logo.

On that run, we talked about the same thing we used to talk about when he was my student and I was his teacher: reaching your goals, overcoming fear, being true to yourself. And it was the same running route, too: Scott Street. Presidio. Marina. The hill.

That hill, stretching from the bay to the Pacific Heights, 3 excruciating blocks, used to be a major topic of conversation on our runs. It was the central symbol in our talks about life.

“Keep your eyes on what you’re doing now. Don’t get discouraged by how far away the goal may seem. Promise that you will only climb for the count of 10. When you’re done, recommit to another 10. True victory comes when you’re no longer counting.”

Here we were, two years later, and each of us had grown so much, the same running loop, the same scenery, the same running loop.

Maybe a level higher, maybe a level deeper.


Seersucker Phase 1

Seersucker Phase 1: 7 Years Ago

Moving topics, from the Fillmore Street hill to Capitol Hill:

In less than 24 hours, Washington DC will honor Seersucker Thursday.

Former Mississippi Senator Trent Lott inaugurated this day in the 1990s to revive this storied fabric. Once, it was the only thing a Senator could wear on a pre-air conditioned, muggy June day.

In my closet, I have three seersucker jackets.

The first is from Urban Outiftters, and I bought it seven years ago, with the remainder of a gift certificate. It’s essentially an unstructured blazer, without the actual pucker that seersucker is known for. (Incidentally, the word Seersucker means milk-and-sugar in Persian, referring to the color of the stripes)

The second two are from Brooks Brothers, and I bought them two years apart.

Seersucker Phase 2 departs from the norm, in that the pattern is the same, but the jacket and trousers are actually a different color.

Phase 2

Seersucker Phase 2 : Three Y ears Ago

I had to get used to Phase 1 to do Phase 2.

Then came along Phase 3. The stripes in the jacket are a different width from the pants, and since Gabi and I were at a festive (and blazing hot) outdoor wedding, I went gangbusters and yanked a parasol from a parasol-pile to keep us in the shade. And to add to the outfit-awesome.

Seersucker: Phase 3

Seersucker Phase 3: One Year Ago

Seersucker never went away, but I moved on.

Old rules, like “Don’t match your tie and jacket” and “you can’t wear seersucker after Labor Day” went out the door. (For a list of Trent Lott’s other Seersucker taboos I also advise ignoring, click here).

I was finding my own voice, and pushing the rules as far as I cared to.

Here, on the cusp of my 41st birthday, many of the challenges in my life (most of them in my head) are no different than the challenges I faced when I was 31. But I’m better able to handle them. I can climb a much bigger hill.

Same hill. Same material. Same style. Different me.

One level deeper. One level higher.

14 Days of Reflection on Turning 41: Episode 3 – The Problem With Perfectionism

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14 Days of Reflection: Turning 41 and the Aftermath – Episode 2: A Sci-Fi Cartoon

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14 Days of Reflection: On Turning 41 and the Aftermath

When I turned 40, I was a little brat. For 24 hours, nothing could satisfy me.

In retrospect, I was wallowing a little (er, a lot) in what I felt like was the end of an era. And when an era is ending, and you’re panicking, and you think you will turn into an old man overnight, no meal tastes good. No wine tastes good. No bed is comfortable. And you act like a complete brat.

Caution: objects in reflection are grouchier than they appear.

One year ago, about to turn 40. Caution: objects in reflection are grouchier than they appear.

Trust me, I’ve repented and apologized to all concerned parties who were drawn into the gravitational pull of my black-hole of wallowing.

But now I’ve had a year to practice being 40 and there’s been a few surprises. As it turns out, I prefer 40 to 39.

Like learning to play violin, being in your 40s doesn’t sound too great at first. It’s pretty screechy. But with time, you can achieve the right tone.

Once the initial shock subsided, I began to feel a little more confident in my choices. I went to a conference and wore a suit. I sat with students and listened to their problems and shared the kind of perspective that a man in his 40s might have. I wore stuff that clashed on purpose because hey. I’m 40. I can do what I want.


merpywindowAnd silliness – there’s always silliness. And now, it’s even better.

When you’re a teenager, you’re already silly.

When you’re in your 20s and you’re being silly, it’s a little trite.

When you’re in your 30s and you’re being silly, maybe you should act your age.

But when you’re 40 and you’re being silly – you’re showing your commitment to your youth.

This week, I celebrate the lessons I’ve learned by being 40, and count down to even greater changes ahead.